Julian Clarke wasn't always the well put together gentleman that he is now.

Actually, that's a complete lie. Because for this to be true, he at first would need to be well put together, which he is not. He'd also need to be a gentleman in some form, also something he is not. Because really, he's a master at weaving a tale about his life, so why wouldn't his biography start any differently? He would want the world to think that he was a very well off man, a man of honor and a man of wealth and pride. When really, you're more likely to find Julian falling out of a pub late at night, knuckles bloody from battling others drunkely all night simply because he offended him. (You don't talk about a guy's mum in a poor light, it's just not something that you do.)

But to really understand him, you need to go back to the beginning. We don't need to wax poetic about how Julian was concieved, everyone knows how sex works and knows how a baby is born. No one is really reading biographies to know about the parents, they want to know about the man. And Julian, before he became a man, was a very troublesome boy. In that well, he wasn't the best at staying out of trouble. When he was young, Julian figured out how to read people. He learned how to take what they wanted and manipulate it into giving him something out if as well. He worked his teachers with such charm that he easily made it through schooling. Well, easily meaning that he had least graduated. That was at least someting he could say that he did. He easily played both women and men, simply because he could. So it was no surprise that a young age, Julian was a master of cons, he was a man who was great with the slight of hand, and he was slowly turning into a petty criminal.

Growing up in England (look at that, a location! Biographies always need locations, don't they?), Julian was introduced into the punk scene, hanging out in the clubs with those who were considered undesireables, but he knew that they simply were just misunderstood. He even joined a few punk bands here and there, stayed with the band until they broke up because the lead singer was caught fucking the drummer's girlfriend/sister/cousin, whatever it was, before he moved on. Leather jackers, studded collars, even a spiked mohawk, Julian made sure that if he was going to rebel, he was going to look and act the part. And what better way to do that then getting into fights, playing loud music, and diving into the world of sex, drugs, and rock and roll?

(This, in most biographies of important celebrity type people, is the part where the reader finds out about some tragic backstory of the main subject, feeling bad and understanding their reasonings for acting out and rebelling against the norms of society. Only, you won't find that here. His parents were rich. He was well off. He rebelled because he wanted to, not because his parents didn't love him. They did, actually. They had a fantastic relationship, up until he moved away from England. He still writes actual hand written letters to his father. His mother, before she died of old age, would share recepies with him and he'd send some new ones back to her. Not everyone who rebels has a 'hard life'. Julian certainly didn't.)

But punk music got boring. It started to fade out, and Julian needed to figure out what he wanted to do in his life. Which, well he wanted to just have fun, have a lot of sex, and just do what he wanted to do, but you can't really make a living off of that. Conning people here and there gave him a thrill, but he had more fun when he was actually doing something right now and then. Which was weird, and he knew it. Helping an old lady cross the street shouldn't give him such a sense of fulfillment, he had an image to uphold. So maybe he volunteered at a soup kitchen now and then. Why would he tell anyone that? Why is it in his biography now? Who knows. It was still a secret that he kept to himself, because why not? Everyone had these deep dark secrets, and he could just...enjoy his not so dark secret. Right?

Now, here's the part that most people immiedately look for. What was his love life like? Well, Julian, upon turning 26, found a woman. A beautiful raven haired beauty that he fell instantly in love with. She was into the same things he was into, was in a punk band that he liked, and the moment he saw her, he fell in love. So, this obviously means she had a boyfriend, because nothing worth having is ever easy. Still, that didn't stop him. He became her friend first. He was polite -- or as polite as a young punk kid could be in his mid-twenties -- and eventually won her over. So when she finally broke up with her boyfriend, he was there to pick up the pieces. (And, you know, to finally have sex with her, which she initated by the way, this is a very important distintion that needs to be made here. She called all the shots. He was more than okay with it.) So they both fell in love.

When he was 32, the raven haired beauty asked if he would move away with her. She was a free spirit who wanted to see what else was out there in the world, and he more than happily agreed. They threw a dart at a map, and it landed on....the middle of the ocean. Because really, throwing a dart at a map to pick a new place to live in the world only really works out in the movies, and really, does anyone ever land on a decent place to live the first time? But so the dart landed in the middle of the ocean. But the dart was closer to America, and even closer to some weird shaped state that had some hook look to it. Which turned out to be Massachusetts, so Julian and his lady love got their passports, and moved to America. Specifically, Boston.

Of course, getting citizenship was harder than he had expected, and was something that he actually had to study for (because cheating government tests wasn't exactly how Julian wanted to start his life) and he ended up getting citienship after a few years. And, well, usually in most biographies this is when the main subject finds his girlfriend cheating on him and they break up in a horrible mess. But that's not what happened here. Julian's lady love just wanted time to herself. And he was okay with that. It was a new country, all they had was each other, what's the mess in branching out?

(For the record, he's still very much in love with her. She'll come around. He thinks. He hopes? Only time will tell. Right?)

After a few years, Julian found a way to work -- it's not the most respectable job, but he works as a manager of a Newbury Comics store in Faneuil Hall Marketplace in Boston, and does little work on the side. That might not be completely legal. Which, is completley fine. And maybe he sometimes plays in a band downtown, but you've most likely never heard of them. But he likes where he is, and he likes his life. And if you see him on a random dating app, make sure you swipe right. He's always down for a good time.

Besides, he has an accent. People like that, right?